Sorry it's been a while since I sent an update but I hope you'll understand why when you've read this.

First of all, huge congratulations to Lorraine who passed her AFF and completed the 25 jumps to get her 'A' license. Lorraine and her sister, Siobhan, have left Rotorua now and are heading to Queenstown for a few months. I saw them off yesterday morning (Thursday) and I was very sad to see them go as we've become very good friends and they have been so supportive during the last few weeks; which brings me on to what's been going on.

The last jump that I mailed you about (stage 5) was the one where I had trouble opening my chute. That was a Saturday, I think, and was the end of a very intense week at the start of the AFF course - six jumps in four days. The weather came in really bad for almost a week. The following Friday it cleared and I rushed out there to try stage 5 again. Quick practice and up we go. I was scared before I got into the plane. In fact, I was scared before I got to the drop zone. There were two tandems on that load. The first one went out and then it was my turn to go to the door. I got to the door and then just couldn't make myself jump. I didn't freeze or anything. I just couldn't jump out. My instructor, Damon, tried to persuade me to go; it was supposed to be an unlinked exit i.e. he wouldn't hold me when I jumped and he suggested doing it linked. I still couldn't do it. I had to get back in and go down in the plane.

I felt devastated. I didn't want to speak to anyone. I thought it was all over and that I didn't have what it takes. The guys were really good and told me not to worry. Keith (chief instructor) told me just to think about what I wanted to do and let him know. Lorraine wasn't there that day so I sent her a txt and we met up in the pub and spent ages trying to work out what the problem was. I still really wanted to carry on but the fear just kept welling up in my mind. I rang Keith the next morning and told him that I wanted to carry on. He said that was no problem.

Well, of course, the weather came in bad for another whole week. Typical. When it cleared the following weekend, I went out, practiced in the hangar and then couldn't even get into the plane. I can't really describe what it was like but as I got the chute on and started to walk towards the plane I just felt overcome by this huge wave of fear. It was awful. I got myself back home as soon as I could. I met up with Lorraine and went over the whole thing again. I was so upset because I really wanted to do it, but the fear just crashed over me. In the end I decided that I still wanted to do it but I was worried that these panic/fear attacks would stop me.

I didn't try to jump the next couple of days and then the weather set in bad - again! At the beginning of last week I went out and spoke to Keith. We agreed that I'd try stage 5 with him and that he'd stand outside the plane and hold on to the waist of my jump suit very hard on one side. When I did the UP, DOWN bit he'd jump and pull me with him if needed. We were going to do that the following day. Torrential rain for two days! I thought I'd go mad! Finally, a week ago yesterday, the weather cleared and I went out in the afternoon.

Up we went. There were several people in the plane. As we were going up to altitude, Damon (the instructor I'd had previously) leant forward and said "believe in yourself man. you can do it. have a good one", Sam the camera man shouted "Good luck", Lorraine gave me a thumbs up signal. Keith and I were going to be second out. I couldn't watch the first person jump. Then Keith climbs out onto the wing and signals for me to get to the door. I'm shouting "Yes! Yes! Yes!" and other more colourful phrases (sorry Lorraine!) as I slide out onto the step. The wind is howling. I'm gripping the door strut infront of me. I turn to my left and Keith is right there and I can feel him holding the left side of my jump suit at the waist. "OK" I shout into his face. He shouts back "OK". I look forward and push myself up using my right leg. I can feel Keith moving up with me. I lower myself down and then...

We're out! I didn't need Keith to pull me. The breath is caught in my throat as we fall to one side and then tip backwards. Keith is still holding on to me. I can see the plane above us as we fall away from it. I remember to breathe and we flip onto our front. I try to look at my altimeter. Keith is still holding on. I feel confused as he should have let go by now. He shakes me, so I arch to try to get a stable position. Suddenly I feel a tug and realise that my chute has deployed. What happened is that I was so tense and stiff that Keith decided that he better stay holding me stable. He also decided to activate my chute for me so that I didn't need to worry about going unstable during the deploy. I didn't mind! I was just so relieved to have jumped again.

Keith was waiting for me when I got down. He shook my hand for ages. He thought it was a really fun jump. I was shaking, but with excitement not fear. He told me I was really stiff during the dive and he couldn't move my arm. Did I want to carry on with it? Yes, absolutely! Of course the weather then came in bad for a couple of days! You guessed that didn't you?

I went out on Monday afternoon. I practiced my stage 5 with Brendan who was the other instructor with Damon when I was jumping with two instructors. Up we went. I swore to myself in the plane that I'd never do another one after that one! Lorraine was the other person on the load and she went out first - I couldn't watch! Then it's my turn. I get to the door and Brendan is on my right inside the plane. We're doing a linked exit so he's holding onto me. OK, UP, DOWN and out. We flip over backwards and then get a stable position. I check my height. Brendan lets go of me and flies in front of me. I try to keep facing him but I'm drifiting slightly to my right. He grabs my arm and helps me to face him. Then he lets go again and signals for me to do a 360 to my right. I do that, slowly, but eventually come round full circle. He signals me to do the same to the left, which I do. He grabs me as I come round and is holding me on my left side. At approaching 5,000 feet I give two hand flashes. Then at about 4,500 feet I deploy my own chute. I didn't think I'd passed as my 360s weren't as good as I know they can be.

I passed stage 5! Brendan said that I did what was needed to pass: basically a 360 to the right and another to the left; maintained a good awareness of my height during the dive and deployed my own chute without a problem.

On Friday I went out in the afternoon. I practiced stage 6 with Brendan. It's almost the same as stage 5 but with forward movement between the turns (you do that by straightening your legs). Just before I put my rig on, he gets me to lie on the floor on my back and practice rolling over onto my front without touching the floor with my arms or legs. I've practiced that before and he says it's just a refresher about what to do if I turn upside down during free fall. Up we go. I can't watch the first two guys jump. Then Brendan gets outside the door and I go to the door. UP, DOWN, jump!

Brendan wasn't holding on to me!

I did my first un-linked exit!

For a second I thought it had gone really well. Then the reason for the final practice on the floor of the hangar became apparent. I flipped right over onto my back! My first thought was that Brendan would fly in and flip me over but no, I can see him above me watching. So I try. That didn't work so I try something else. Nope, still on my back. This is hard! But it's fun. I'm not in a panic. Brendan is still above me watching. Eventually I find something that works and I flip over onto my front. Brendan is now in front of me and I check my height - 7,000 feet. There is no way that we've got time to do the stuff for the stage. The funny thing is I don't care. I really enjoyed it. I give two hand flashes as we approach 5,000 and deploy my own chute at about 4,500. Once my chute was open I couldn't stop laughing. Not hysterical laughter but just pure joy at having had a fun time. I don't think I stopped laughing all the way down. Keith didn't talk me down at all, he left me to it and I had a nice, gentle, stand-up landing. I was still laughing when I got back into the hangar.

When I came to do the de-brief with Brendan he asked me to tell him why that had been a really good jump for me - even though I hadn't passed the stage. I told him that I proved to myself that I could go out of control and get myself back to a stable position. That I actually enjoyed it. That I didn't panic. He agreed and said he thought that it was a very important jump for me personally. He said that what is apparent to him is that I'm able to look after myself during a jump and that is what this course is all about.

So, I still have to pass stage 6, but today was really good fun and although I'm not completely over the fear of being at the door, it's gone a long way to sorting it out. I'm hoping to try stage 6 again tomorrow but it depends on the weather.

The reason that I didn't send a group mail before now was that I really didn't know what was going on with me. I didn't wan't to send a mail until I knew if I was carrying on with the skydiving or not. It was something I needed to work through and I just couldn't send a mail until I knew one way or another. I know now! Stage 6 here I come.

If there isn't a mail for a while it's just because of the weather or lack of bookings.

Hope you are all well,
Ian.